leftcoast's Diaryland Diary



And I never really know what to say.
I think I'm all the emotions in the book. I'm mad, angry, lonley, lost, heart broken, dissapointed, regretful, sad, upset.
And I think I put most of it on myself. I brought it by doing things wrong, taking things the wrong way, and acting out on situations where I should have glued my lips together.
I'm so sorry for everyone I've hurt this last year. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made.
But please, please understand that I do get hurt too. And sometimes I have just as justifiable reasons to act the way I feel. Selfish or not.
I'm mad that I keep blaming Spencer for this. I just want to get over it. I hate that all of this has followed me across the world and keeps me up at night too. I just want to scream into a pillow and get rid of it.
I think I've talked about this so much that I thought I wouldn't have anything left to say. I lay in bed and get it all out only for it to reappear the next day. This sucks majorly.
I don't know what I want to do. I think that's the problem.
I want to be mad, be angry. I want Spencer to understand how I feel. I know that he has his reasons to be mad at me, and has things to hold against me. But I feel like my situation is completely different than his. I just got shut down by the person I never had the courage to tell I liked.
Then the other half of me just wants to forget it. Be the friend I always was. The bystander I always was. I just can't get control of my feelings. It never bothered me before. I think it's just the fact of rejection that's tearing me apart. And I'm not getting any sympathy because everyone thought I was making a bad decision in the first place.

I could seriously go on for ages about this subject, I really do.
I should just write it all down and burry it in the sand. Leave it behind in Australia and hope it doesn't follow me back. It will be so much weight lifted off my chest. But is this a grudge? or just sadness? I really feel like I can't tell the two apart.

But it's done with. I've decided. Right now.
Thanks for listening

5:49 p.m. - 2009-01-24


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