leftcoast's Diaryland Diary



I just bit my nails.
And I was doing so well.

I feel like I've been doing really well this last month. I think I noticed the biggest change at the beginning. Unfortunately I got a lot of side effects. The biggest one was trouble sleeping, feeling tired and not being able to eat. Now that the first month has passed I'm on a regular sleeping schedule and definitely have my appetite back. I think during the first two weeks I was thinking about things a lot and couldn't tell if things had changed or not. Now I can definitely tell whats different.
It's that feeling. I don't have that feeling anymore. And I'm happier because I don't notice it. It's weird because I am starting to not notice anything, but I don't think that there isn't a change.. it's just the fact that it's stopped makes me worry about nothing.
I felt like for the first month I had a change in personality but I am feeling more like myself. It really depends on the day. Some days I have really good days and some are really hard. When I feel 'weird' it's when I'm abnormally quiet and feel like I'm not myself. I can't really focus on anything and I don't care. It usually only lasts for a couple of hours but it's a very weird thing to go through.
Now that I think my body is getting more accustomed to the drugs I'm starting to notice what hasn't changed. This is mostly during my alone time. I'm going to be going back and seeing what my doctor has to say. I'm on a really low dose right now and she thought I was doing well so she wanted to keep me down until there was a problem.
I feel like the hardest part about everything is that I feel completely alone. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because they think it's horrible that I am on these types of drugs. Sometimes I even think that I'm some sort of monster because of it. When I tell people what they are I feel like in their head they are thinking 'man this girl is really fucked up'. I wish I could talk about it more openly. I want to talk about it. I want people to understand. I want people to know that I'm still the same person, just getting healthier.

1:27 a.m. - 2009-04-27


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