leftcoast's Diaryland Diary
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Before the end.
I feel like it's not fair to say that I'm only sad. My days aren't filled with stress, anxiety, hurt. Alot of it is filled with plenty more. The fact that I have friends who have sat patiently on the sidelines watching as I've made my mistakes. And are still there to help me, listen to me and be my friend. I have a brother who is the most important person in my life. He has held me while I cried and I feel this last year has made this bond stronger, and more. We've shared secrets, dreams, doubts. But he will love me no matter what. I have parents that want me to be happy. That will do anything for me. They have let me experience everything I've wanted to. They support me. They are sending me to Australia because they know I need to go. They print out university info because they know I'd never go on my own. I've had the opportunity to experience so much, see so much, meet so many people. I've been able to live my dream of traveling. I've been able to live in the mountains. Be a kid for a job. To be a small part of hundreds of kids and let them be a part of me. I've laughed and smiled. And the feeling of seeing people that mean alot to me. Half of me is excited for Australia, the other half scared shitless. I'm scared about running away again. I'm sad about leaving my friends behind. I'm sad I can't experience this with Katie and Melanie. That I'm leaving them behind. I want them to share this with, to support me, to talk to, to lean on. I'm scared that I think this will solve problems and it won't. I'm excited to leave. To clear my mind and not worry about what comes next. I'm happy I get to experience even more, to see even more. I'm glad I get to travel with Elise. She's been significant. She knows so much about me and I feel like we've really shared something. I'm excited to see people I thought I had said goodbye to. So there. I've scraped my mind and heart and left it here in Calgary as a memory. I'll bring them to Australia. Dig a hole in the sand on the beach and leave them across the world from me. I know I can't not feel any of this. But I'm ready to do my best to let go and start over. When I get home I'm going to try and get healthy and better and be happy. And I know I can do it.
I'm in such a good mood. Right now the beginning of that is totally irrelevant.
I've re-found love in music. Aaron Gillespie is my hero.
6:32 a.m. - 2009-03-08
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