leftcoast's Diaryland
Diary
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When I was walking to work this morning there was such a warm breeze that it flooded me with old memories.
The first association was Monday mornings when it started to get warmer. Early jaunts down from the front door to my car to drive back in the city. Still pitch black because it would be so early. I'd get to see the stars as I left the park, I'd hit Canmore then Kananaskis and get that alpine glow rising up behind me. I'm so glad I got to experience mornings like that often, it was always a great way to start my morning and week. And then I couldn't help but reminisce on all the things I missed..
Packing my bags so the first thing I did was hit the highway on Friday. Waking up to cold mountain breezes coming through the open door. Sunday nights curled up under the fireplace channel waiting for him to come home or up to bed. Strolls into town in the trees with all the elk. Knowing that there was so much to see and do and take in just out the front door. Someone who I could be myself unconditionally. I miss flirting and being flirted with. I miss having someone who cared when I was upset, that was emotional enough to work through problems and make up at the end of the night. Who couldn't go to sleep angry or upset. Someone who always showed me love and compassion. I miss having someone who would show me knew things and teach me. Someone who would help me get better and enable those possibilities. I miss dog hangs. I miss Peter's humour and Ginny's beauty. I miss inside jokes and stories. I miss feeling special and being spoiled. Movie dates and doobies in the alley. I miss having a companion who'd always be by my side in a crowded room. Who actually cared where I was and what I was doing. I miss having someone to do anything with. Romantic getaways. Long truck rides in shitty highway conditions. Vic and all those amazing fun times exploring a new place while getting to know a new person.
Am I horrible for saying all of that stuff. I feel like I'm just waking up. I needed to learn what makes me happy. What was enough. What I had. What I need now.
The thing is, I had those things. I felt those things. And I don't now. And maybe I'm the most sad because I know they exist and I know I can have them.
9:23 a.m. - 2018-01-18
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